Too Much of a Liar?
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love.
In this edition: What Is Too Much of a Liar?
Perspective – The Liar in the Mirror?
Practical Tactics – Lying Scale Measurements
Lying? Who, Me?
Perspective – The Liar in the Mirror?
As I mentioned in the email "Honesty Overload", so many people put on their eHarmony dating profile that the most important quality in a partner is honesty. It was so prevalent that it became a joke among the eHarmony staff and members alike.
Ironically, however, "honesty" is a "given" or baseline quality that you'd expect in a partner, not a special quality that some would want in a partner and others wouldn’t.
So why would people feel the need to mention it? Three (possible) reasons:
Hurt from being lied to in a previous relationship.
Fearful stories from others about getting lied to... it could happen to you, too!
Being a liar, (whether or not one is aware of it), you don't want someone to treat you the way you have or could treat someone in a relationship.
Well, everyone lies.
If you don't think you do... then you're lying. At least to yourself.
Instead, we need to ask: how much lying is too much when we're seeking a committed relationship or in one already?
Case in point: I knew someone who complained a lot about how so many of the men she would date through online apps would turn out to be married.
Yet, when she developed a steady dating relationship, she complained about how her beau just wasn’t doing it for her, so she went online looking for someone new. She would break up with him when she found someone new so she didn't have to be alone.
She was lying to her current boyfriend as she’d been lied to by “all those married men.”
Practical Tactics – Lying Scale Measurements
If you're dating:
Look for inconsistencies, ask about them.
Look for patterns.
Pay attention to your gut and how you feel. Do you feel a sense of rest and trust?
How big is the lie?
What consequences does the lying result in?
Do they come clean about it? If so, is it when you pushed, or did they volunteer the confession?
It is evident that the person learn to become more and more honest?
These same questions apply to close romantic partnerships. If you're already into a commitment with a repeat liar or someone who is going behind your back in big ways or ways that affect you, you need to ask if coming clean means removing yourself from this relationship or if there are signs of the other growing in honesty. This might involve therapy, including couples therapy.
Being honest and truthful is itself a commitment worth entering into, and it's worth the cost, the "Return on Investment," especially when a couple enters into this endeavor together.
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