The Defect Effect
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love.
In this edition: The Defect Effect
Perspective – The Fault Flip Side
Practical Tactics – Embrace Your Inner Chevy Chase
Wouldn't You Like to Get to Know Me?
Perspective – The Fault Flip Side
The creators of the dating app OKCupid collected data from the users of their website that backed this up. The more unique, even oddball content that people included in their photos and written section of their profiles, the more communications they'd receive.
These people statistically not only received more communication than the conventionally, universally "hot" profiles, they had more instances of moving into long-term relationships.
You can observe this around you. Think of all the universally-considered attractive people (they are often in the tabloids, sadly) whose relationships plummet into the abyss. Now think of all the happily married couples you know. Are the partners cookie-cutter cuties? Or are they attractive in their own way, but not quite coloring within the lines?
(If you're super hot, it's not a relational death sentence. Read on, Stud Muffin.)
Case in point: In a poetry class I took in my undergrad studies, the aging beatnik professor mentioned in passing how every trait is a two-sided coin. If viewed as a flaw, the other side of the coin revealed a strength. It's basic to some, but to me, it stuck. It was a welcome relieving revelation. So my sleepiness (at the time) meant I had the capacity to rest. My social awkwardness was a ticket to self-understanding and being able to be along side others who walk through the same pain. It boosts us both to trust that in our own way, we can make our way toward true connection with the right people in our lives.
Practical Tactics – Embrace Your Inner Chevy Chase
In dating, whether you're viewed as super appealing, fair-to-middlin', or on the low end of the spectrum, it benefits you to highlight your quirks and opinions. It's what the book Dataclysm calls the "Pratfall Effect". You become more accessible personally, and therefore more attractive to people who are seeking real relationships (vs lookee-loos who are stuck on fantasy and perfection).
If you find it challenging to own your supposedly flaws, start by asking if it's possible at all that you are beautiful, and think of it differently. Someone who matches you will see it in you, and maybe even help you to see it in yourself.
When you're in a relationship, if you resist the compliments and tender words and praise of your partner, take the step of receiving their approval by just saying, "thank you," instead of returning the compliment. Depending on the kind of relationship you have, you can ask them what they are most attracted to about you. And try to see yourself through your partner's eyes.
When all is said and done... what if your flaw is your most attractive trait--what you have to offer your partner and the world?