Give 'Em All You Got?
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love.
In this edition: Give 'Em All You Got?
Perspective – What You Have to Give
Practical Tactics – What You Love to Give
If Your Partner Is a Pig, Don't Gift Your Pearls.
Perspective – What You Have to Give
Both uncoupled and coupled people alike often think about what they want to get out of relationship. Even people who could be operating out of "codependent" tendencies by giving or caring for another, are actually giving to get something out of the relationship.
It's not wrong to want to get something out of a relationship. It's the design that we need human connection and we have various needs that can only be met in one context, whether in partnership, community, or family, as each need pertains to the type of relationship.
All your specific traits are what you have to contribute in partnership--a unique set of offerings that only you can give.
Case in point: I have a friend who makes a decent living and has significant assets that he would bequeath upon his death. When he started online dating, he put his wealth upfront and center, and got loads of interest.
He finally admitted to himself that he was attracting gold diggers, even though maybe some of them liked him. He realized that wealth wasn't primarily what he wanted to contribute in a romantic partnership. He wanted to cook meals and make someone laugh.
I have a different friend who actually loves providing for his partner; for him, it's a "must-have" to provide financially, and for his partner to be receptive to his provision.
Practical Tactics – What You Love to Give
What you can offer, what you have to offer, doesn't mean you should or must give it in a relationship. If you feel an obligation characterized by heaviness, it might be something that you'd prefer not to offer in a partnership. Love, however, may change that. When you love someone, you give things you didn't expect, because you care about their life more than your wants.
That said, when you're seeking partnership or in regular circumstances with your partner, through self-reflection it's helpful to know what you're into giving that energizes you and what drains you when you give it.
It's optimal to find a partner who wants to receive what you long to give, lest you "cast your pearls to the swine."
But if you have something to offer that you don't relish giving, you can learn to articulate how it makes you feel, and negotiate with your partner terms on which you give it, learn to share the task, avoid it all together, or learn to enjoy it by finding a new frame in which to explore what is needed or desired and how to provide it in a mutually beneficial way.
Then, you can work with your beloved on how to address that need appropriately, alternatively, and creatively.
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