Get Clear on Connection
Hello, and welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get real. Love.
In this edition: Get Clear on Connection
Perspective – Getting clear on what kind of relationship you seek.
Practical tips – Tips for finding the kind of relationship you want
Getting tangled with too many random matches could make someone "jelly"!
Perspective: What kind of relationship are you seeking online?
Knowing what kind of person you’re looking for isn’t the same as what kind of relationship you’re ultimately seeking online. The kind of relationship refers to if you want a marital partner, a girlfriend, boyfriend, companion, or a casual connection. You might be open to “whatever”—or not.
It’s okay to get out there before you’re sure. As soon as you can define this for yourself, however, it spares you time, energy, and pain from getting involved with anyone who doesn’t share your relationship objectives.
Case in point: Years ago during my single days, some friends and I discovered that we were all communicating with the same guy—who just kept messaging all of us with no clear intention. We each wanted something serious. But he was coming out of a terrible marriage and just wanted undefined open-ended connection, probably because he was lonely and didn’t know what he wanted. But it caused us each to feel annoyed and it compounded his negative feelings about himself and his situation further.
Are you confused or not sure? Meditation, soul-searching, and sometimes trial and error in dating bring clarity.
Consider setting your online dating goal as “explore and discover” if you've:
Never dated or not much.
Recently broken up, divorced, or been widowed.
Consider setting your online dating goal as something longer-term if you've:
Been out of your last relationship for a while, had therapy, and have “gotten over it".
Dated a lot and never gotten married, and your desire to find a find a long-term partner persists.
Practical Tactics: Tips for Finding the Kind of Relationship You Want
Avoid online dating sites that focus on the connection type you’re not looking for. For example, Tinder emphasizes casual, Match focuses on long-term partnership.
Many sites and apps do have a setting for the type of relationship you want. Do not be afraid to select the truth. You’ll attract better matches. (“Looking for marriage”, “Looking for companion”.) You’ll drive away the wrong people. That’s okay!
If you want to allow more matches into your filter, then put something brief in your profile like “I just want to get to know people right now.” Or “I’m ultimately looking for a long-term partner.”
State your preferences positively (e.g. “I’m looking for” instead of “I’m NOT looking for…”).
Remember: there are exceptions, sure. And don’t worry about doing things “wrong” or “right”. The right person will find you in the right time. These are just ideas to improve your experience.
Want in depth online dating insights? Your Love Breakthrough: Effective Online Dating Strategies is available on Amazon.
What you have you missed? Check out past email messages from Christy Sanborn Grassman.