Fruitless Labor?
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love.
In this edition: Fruitless Labor?
Perspective – Performance-Orientation in Relationships
Practical Tactics – Working Toward Goals Restfully
Perspective – Performance-Orientation in Relationships
While there's nothing wrong with putting some effort into curating your intentional, honest, and attractive online dating profile, all the dating tips and tricks in the universe are not going to produce a soulmate, as if it were a formula.
Likewise, contrary to the popular belief that "relationships are hard work", toil and strain are less likely to develop harmony and intimacy thanto "guide it, to nurture it... to believe in it," as Oogway the sage turtle from Kung FuPanda describes encouraging a seed to produce.
The stressful "vibes" you emit in your soulmate search or your search to improve your relationship not only burn you out, they're often felt or perceived on the other side, and can result in the opposite outcome of what you meant to achieve.
Case in point:
After years of trying to figure out how to crack the relationship search code, including intensive personal growth, "inner healing", and relationship skills programs, I slowly started to believe the good news/bad news that there was nothing I could do to make it happen. No claim of "if you just let go, then it will happen" or "when you just can't take it anymore, then God will bring your mate" worked for me. It was just timing.
One summer, I just kept having a gentle thought to try Match.com. I had avoided it. The thought was barely a whisper. It kept returning. A month later, I got on Match, and a week later, I connected with Colin (my soulmate).
Practical Tactics – Working Toward Goals Restfully
Performance-orientation says, "Look under every rock, climb every mountain, or sail every sea to solve your relationship quandary."
...But if nothing is available or if it's the wrong time, churning turns to burning out or growing thorns.
Its pendulum swing, "if it's meant to be, it will happen," is just as flawed.
With rare exceptions, neither straining and stress nor couch-potatoing with locked doors and curtains drawn bring forth the crop you're looking for.
Paradoxically, we can learn to take actions toward goals from a place of "rest". It's neither straining nor doing nothing. It's more a practice than a switch you can flip.
When stress arises and even when it doesn't, remind yourself of what you can and can't control.
Take small manageable toward your goal with belief that your vision can be realized.
Internalize that even if you don't achieve the exact goal we set out for, you are sowing into the greater good.
Restfulness allows you to receive good things, too as you go about your objective calmly.
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