Who Initiates – Why and How
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love.
In this edition: Who Initiates, Why and How
Perspective – Initiating "Rightness"
Practical Tactics – Freedom in Initiating
Thrilled about being "Caught and Kept"?
Perspective – Initiating "Rightness"
Throughout the ages, there has been this push-pull tug-of-war about who initiates (especially with approaching someone cute if you're single-n-lookin'). Even in preexisting partnerships, rhetoric about roles in initiating and decision-making drums up unnecessary strife in otherwise harmonious relationships.
Often, this is gender-based. But initiative could be assigned to the party who holds the power, the one who is seeking something from the one who holds the power, or the one who is considered to be obligated to make the move.
Historical and societal examples:
In some European countries, it was once considered rude to court a lady if she didn't make the first move. She first had to drop her hanky for the potential suitor she desired so he could woo her. (Now we just drop hints.)
Suitors competed against each other to (literally) win a princess's hand.
Powerful men would have an assortment of maidens presented to select from as prospective concubines or wives.
Case in point: In the '90s to early-mid 2000s, as I mentioned in the article "Your Gender Traits & Strengths", in Western society, it was popular to cast the initiation responsibility on men with such bestsellers as The Rules and Catch Him and Keep Him (which ironically, forbade women to "chase" in order to snare a husband).
The prevalent belief was that as natural hunters, without a sense of mystery and pursuit, men would lose interest. So women, even in relationships, would allure, keep secrets, and play hard-to-get to keep him engaged. But couples were left exhausted and unfulfilled.
Practical Tactics – Freedom in Initiating
"Shoulds" always arise so people who need a template can follow instructions. But those same people will eventually come to an impasse where the formula fails them.
Cast off the "shoulds" and look at the whys and the hows. For example, the "hanky drop" kept women safe from stalkers and gave them a say in a marriage that would be ultimately determined by parents.
If you don't want to initiate, is it because you're afraid? What makes you more comfortable - someone approaching you because you're scared of rejection? You approaching someone because it gives you the power to initiate?
Test the waters by:
Sending a like, wink, etc in online dating
Asking a curious "check-in" question in a relationship
Soul-search to calculate if it's worth it to reach out or pursue
Find friends to support you if your initiating doesn't pan out
Consider if it produces for both parties...
Safety
Power
Freedom
Desire fulfilled
Taking initiative comes naturally to some who may need to dial it back and allow someone else to pursue.
Some of us, however, need to activate and reactivate our "initiation muscles". (Like me... offering to vacuum the house for once.)
If this email was forwarded to you, Sign up to get uplifting messages from Christy Sanborn Grassman.
What you have you missed? Check out past email messages from Christy Sanborn Grassman.